Rest in peace Mom

It's been over a month since I posted last.

Several things have happened. Mom's health got worse and they (meaning my Ex and the doctor) decided to put her in hospice care. I think, that was a good decision. I called her every week and it got harder and harder. Many times she didn't know who I was. The same thing happened to my brother when he called her from the UK.

Mom passed away this morning. I've been expecting it but it is still a shock when I got the call. She will be cremated and her ashes with be strewn over the Alster (a lake) in Hamburg. She didn't want a funeral or memorial service.

I didn't go to Toronto to see her one last time. Sweetheart do you remember how she was when we saw her the last time in 2006? That's the way I am keeping her in my memory. She wouldn't have known if I was there anyway. I know I couldn't have handled it seeing her this way, not after having you pass away in my arms. I am a fairly strong woman - but I know my limits. Going would have been for the family (my Ex and Jason) not for Mom. Steven is in Edmonton and was hoping to see her Christmas. She passed away sooner than expected.

Just like with you I am taking comfort in the knowledge that she is now free and her suffering is over. That doesn't make it any easier on us. But it certainly easier on her and you. I like to ask you one thing though - could you please keep the noise down? Thank you. I know you had a party when you arrived.

My love, it is now 17 months since you traded in your dis-functional body. I still miss you lots and lots. Love you sweetheart - we talk soon.

OUCH

I am a little behind in posting. Funny thing happened: The first SS arrived after about 1 week, but the death benefit didn't. I called and was told - "Sorry, it got stuck at the payment center" - no problem. I was promised that it would go out the following week. It didn't. I received a letter telling me that they are keeping the benefit against the overpayment and are calling it good. I objected, because I figure they had 7 years to collect. If they insist, I will give in - but until then????

Sweetheart, do you remember the group "Mercy Me? NO? - How about the song "I can only imagine" - Thought that might ring a bell. Anyway, they were at the state fair on September 17. The tickets were not outrages so we went. It was very loud and the "last song" they did was "I can only imagine" - and the waterworks started. They got a standing ovation and did about 3 more songs. We enjoyed it. With your sensitive hearing, you wouldn't have I am sorry to say.

This past Monday I went to WinCo to do some shopping. I slipped on a grape and found out that the floor is hard, very hard. It took me about 10 - 15 minutes to be able to get up. They got me an electric wheelchair to be able to move. I never thought, I would use something like that. They took an accident report. When I got off the wheelchair to get into the car, I was feeling quite confident that I could walk without help - NOT. After about 3 - 4 steps, I was down again. Almost caused Tony a heart attack. Once home, he cancelled school for the evening to stay home and be there for me. I objected - but was told "Deal with it" - Yesterday I walked around with your walker. I am happy that I had kept it. After Tony got home I tried his cane, having him close by in case I need ed help. It worked very well. I am not about to try to walk without it though. I am very careful. I am taking it easy and doing some light exercises.

I will sit outside a bit later - it is wonderful out there. Your rosebush is now spouting 11 blooms in various stages. I am hoping to take a picture later.

I love you Sweetheart and I miss you so very much.

It's done

It's done, my love. I filed for SS. They will deposit the death benefit in a few days and I will receive my first regular payment in a few weeks. She was very nice, which helped.

She informed me that there was a overpayment for Michael. That was 7 years ago. Remember they didn't recall the April payment (?). We let it sit in the account for a long time waiting for them to retrieve it. They didn't. She told me that they will contact me in about 3+ month and I can make payment arrangements. What puzzles me is this - it was 7 years ago and all this time YOU received SS - why didn't they contact YOU? But that is not here or there - they want their money back. And they will get it - not a problem. We will celebrate receiving the first payment by going to Q4U - one of our favorite BBQ places.

Tony is taking his promise to you (to help me) very serious. I don't think, I could have made it through the last few years without his help and support. Guess what - he is starting school on Monday. Massage Therapist. We always said that he is good at it. He is looking forward to it. I am happy for him.

Monday this week we went to Wendover, Montego Bay (I had a free room) We got there early, like we always do. We were told to come back at 3 o'clock since the room wasn't done. Well, check-in time is 3PM. Not a problem. We checked back at 3 and the room was still not done. At 330 still not done. I was getting really mad. At 4 o'clock the room was finally done. Once we got to the room, I checked the rules they have posted on the door. Yep, check-in time is 3 PM. After talking to the manager I was informed that since I requested a room close to the elevator, those were the last rooms to be done. I could have had a room in the new section (about 1 mile away) When we checked out, they received a not very nice report. It is unacceptable to make us wait for a whole hour.

On a nicer note - I took all the money back home with me and Tony almost doubled the money he brought - LOL. We have already started saving coins and 1-Dollar bills for the next time.

Your rosebush is growing very nice. The roses are a bit bigger and they are starting to be peach. This confirms my theory that the bush is still settling.

My love, filing for SS was another little piece of closure. It is a long process. I am still talking to you every night, telling you about my day. It's not like you don't know about it anyway. But I miss talking to you. I miss you so much in every aspect. But I also know, that you are now with Jesus and without pain, the wheelchair and oxygen. The knowledge of that makes it easier for me to deal with all this.

I love you sweetheart.

FINALLY

Hi Sweetheart - I finally did it. I called Social Security to claim your Social Security and your death benefit. I spoke to a lady in New Mexico. She was very nice. She set up the appointment for August 05 - I was doing just fine until she read back all the info to me and said that as reason for the appointment she put down widow pension. That's when I almost lost it. She was very understanding.

In today's mail YOU received an invitation for a 3-night stay at the Peppermill Reno, since you are such a loyal customer. Hmmm - care to explain that one?? I called them and spoke to them about that there is NO way that you are a loyal customer there. He apologized many times. The poor guy was so embarrassed, it was funny.

I haven't heard from my customer yet. The packages were delivered on Saturday, 07/17. Since it went to her cottage, she probably hasn't been there. I will send her a note and find out.

I am contemplating making things for my Etsy store again, but am not sure about that yet. I will pray about it a bit more.

Your rosebush is doing well, except the roses are small and yellow. I think that might be, because the bush is still settling.

I received a letter from David asking yet another favor. He asked for a loan of $30 - if he keeps his nose clean, he might be transferred back to Draper the end of October, beginning of November.

I received another letter from Dean. He is wondering how long it will take until I forgive him and come back out to see him. He still thinks, I accused him unjust. NO sign of an apology, because he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He thinks that he can say anything he wants but if I call him on it, I am the one in the wrong. That's not how it works. It's going to be a while until I go out to visit again. Do you remember Anderson, the nice one? He told Janean to make sure and tell me HI and he misses me. LOL. But not as much as I miss you. Be well my love.

Stuff

On July 04 we had a BBQ and I invited Donna and Jackie - it was very nice.

On Monday, after coming out of the Dollar Tree, my car sounded really funny and the "service engine soon" light came on. It felt like I was driving over cobblestone, except there was no cobblestone. I didn't like the way it sounded so I decided to bring it right away to the Back Shop. I had totally forgotten that since Sunday was a holiday, a lot of businesses were closed on Monday. Greg was one of them. GGGRRR. I put my emergency lights on and drove very slowly home. Next morning I called Greg and told him that the car was being funny. He offered to come and pick it up - good, because I wasn't going to drive it anywhere. He called me later that evening and told me what's wrong with it. He could have been speaking greek for all I understood. He told me it would be about $1,000 - THAT I understood. Oh well, it needed to be done. He brought the car back on Thursday with the invoice and told me to pay whenever I am back in that neighborhood. My car looks like it is brand new. He cleaned it inside and out - WOW.

On Monday evening Janean was coming over and since I wan't driving anywhere, I asked her if she could please stop by Market Fresh (used to be Albertson) to pick up some chicken for me. It is tradition that we have chicken on Monday - LOL. She did and delivered the chicken. What a friend.

I received another letter from Dean. He feels like I ripped into him totally unjust. I don't think so. As of right now, I haven't answered his letter, talked to him on the phone nor have I been out to see him. I am still very upset with him and in my opinion, rightfully so. Sweetheart, I could really use your interference here. You were the calming influence in my life and you would have set him straight as you did before.

I miss you so much. It is getting easier though. Your rosebush is growing nicely and there are a few buds on. It is hotter than all get-out though. This is a weather where we both would stay in. I even gave in and turned on the AC and you know how much I hate the AC, but right now it is still in the high 80s. Today we had about 95. I sat outside until it hit 80 and then I fled inside - LOL

Guess what, I finished the order for Kathy and it is sitting here waiting to be shipped. I notified her and am just waiting for the money to get here. She liked the sample hat I sent and needs to decide on the colors. In the meantime I am crocheting and knitting for charity.

Be well my love. I love you very much.

Game Night?

Last Friday we had a Game Night scheduled at church. I had the snack ready and was looking forward to it.

My favorite Radio station (KDYL) was giving away Beach Boy concert tickets - it was a sold out concert. You had to call in and be caller # 10 when they played the song: "Salt Lake City" The concert was at the Peppermill Concert Hall Friday Night. Guess what, I won a set of tickets, sooo instead of going to the game night, I went to the concert. WOW - this was the first time I was in that concert hall. There is NO bad seat in the entire house - mind you some are better than others, like the ones right in front of the stage. We had section C row 14 - - for free tickets, not bad. The concert was totally awesome. They didn't take a break at all. The concert was 2 hours long. The Beach Boys came on stage blazing and left 2 hours later the same way. We were singing and dancing most of the concert. My voice was still a little bit rough the next day.

You, my love wouldn't have enjoyed it though - it was a bit (a lot) noisy, but it was FUN. We didn't even go into the casino afterwards. We drove straight home. What a concert. There are only 2 of the original Beach Boys left.

Symphony

Tonight was the season finale of the West Valley Symphony - it was the first time that we went since you left. You would have enjoyed it. Show tunes. WOW They got several standing ovations. It is hard to believe that they are not professionals. They are really good and I pictured how much you would have enjoyed it. Love you sweetheart.

ONE YEAR

I can't believe that you are gone 1 year already and only. I still miss you so much. I found the perfect rose bush. It is a hybrid and it is called "Apricot Candy" I bought it about 2 weeks ago. It started blooming within a few days. Beautiful salmon color. After the blooms opened up a bit, they turned peach. Within a few days the blooms turned pink. So at one time I had 4 different colors on the same bush. The bush is like you - very special.

Today was the day that I planted the bush into the final place. In the corner of the patio. I had lots of potting soil, fertilizer and your ashes. Tony dug a hole and after Pastor Troy got here, we prayed for you and I planted the bush. I cried - but I think, they were good tears. I miss you like crazy but I know that you are now much better off than you were before here on earth.

It was a hard month for me - could you believe, I hardly could bring myself to pick up the crochet hook? My heart just wasn't in it. It seems like the service today gave me some kind of closure and after my 2-hour nap I picked up the hook and made a leg warmer. i am way behind (MY) schedule with them. I hope to be able to mail them latest by the middle of the month. Bless Kathy for being so patient. It would be wonderful to meet her - which is difficult, since she lives in Canada and I am in Utah - Oh well. I haven't heard back yet if she received the sample hat.

I received a letter from Dean accusing me of scheduling the memorial service for the same time he had visiting. I am floored and very hurt that he thinks I would be capable of that. I wrote him a letter and tore it up. All my anger was in that letter. I wrote him a second letter and that is the one that will go out to him. He is not going to like it - too bad. I read the letter (the one he wrote to me) to Janean and she was with him this morning and kicked him a few times. Until further notice I won't go out visiting him anymore. That letter was disrespectful to me and your memory. He has nobody but himself to blame for the consequences.

In all this Tony has been my rock. Thank you so much sweetheart for asking him to stay on after you leave.

I will try to put a picture of the rose bush in here if I can figure out how to do that. Thanks Bev for the help with posting the picture.

Sweetheart, I love you so very much and am waiting for the day when we are together again (Not for a long time though - I am way too busy here)

11 month

Yep, I made it through 11 months without you, my love.

Remember - one of the plans we had is riding the Front Runner to Ogden and back? I did it yesterday. Tony was with me. You would have enjoyed it. It sure doesn't feel like the train is going 80 - 90 mph. Except for the fact that we were passing the cars on the freeway. In Ogden we had a cup of coffee and a donut and went back to Salt Lake City. The only thing better would have been if you could have enjoyed it with me.

I haven't started fertilizing the ground yet - it was totally crazy weather. I will do that next week - after Mothers Day. That's also the time when I will hang the Topsy Turfy Tomato Plant. I haven't found the right Rosebush yet, but I will start hounding the nurseries as of Monday.

The shower for Torrie went very well. Very nice turnout and the baby (Nyann) is an absolute doll. I took pictures, but they are still in the camera. Your printer/scanner/copier died and I had to get a new one. It's delivered but not installed yet.

I put my Etsy store on Vacation - Mode until the end of this month. I have too much to do to keep it stocked. I got another order for 200 1 1/2 inch white circles and 200 2 1/2 inch aran fleck circles. I am alternating them with the remaining leg warmers. And then there is an order for gnome hats in the waiting. I sent a sample and waiting for the decision. Kathy told me, she can keep me as busy as I want to be. She is one heck of a nice lady. Since I had problems with the black leg warmers, she told me to forget about them. Not a problem.

Today is JOY. Decorate a hat. I bought a straw hat at the DI and made braids hanging all around the brim of the hat. Looks funny.

For my birthday on Monday, Janean took me to Olive Garden for soup, salad and bread sticks. Afterwards we sat on the patio here at home. It was a very nice day.

I am thanking the Lord every day for the fact that you are now pain free and oxygen free. I am happy that you are with him in heaven. But it saddens me that you are not here with me anymore - at least not in body. In spirit you most certainly are. It helps me that I am able to talk to you every night telling you about my day and I KNOW you can hear me and guide me.

I love and miss you sweetheart. Next month your body will be put in its final resting place.

10 months?!

Happy Easter to all.

Today is the 10-month anniversary of Gary leaving this earth to be with the Lord. We celebrated that fact (a bit early) with a visit to the Hale Theater. We saw "Fiddler on the Roof" - WOW What a performance. If we would have been any closer to the stage they would have to pay us, because we would have been part of the cast. We had seats in the front row. It was totally awesome. Sweetheart, you would have loved it. Remember how we drove past the theater and said that one of these days we will see a show there? Time ran out before we had a chance. I still miss you lots though. I don't think that fact will ever change.

Later this month I will start fertilizing the ground where the rosebush will go. It is still too wet at the moment. The nurseries are not open yet, so I checked some stores like WalMart and HomeDepot for roses. Still no salmon colored. I WILL fine some though.

Both my grand daughters, their significant others and their children were in church today. I got a hug from both of them. I was thrilled. Torrie, the youngest one had a baby girl about 2 months ago. There will be a baby shower for her next weekend in my clubhouse. I am so looking forward to that. There was no contact between them and us for about 20 years because of something that happened 20+ years ago. Their mother kept the hate alive. Maybe the shower next weekend will open the door?? One can only hope.

As for my Etsy store - nothing going right now. Mind you, I haven't listed anything for about 7 weeks. I am still crocheting the leg warmers. With all those color changes and 10 pairs in solid black it's taking a lot more time than I anticipated. Thank goodness there is no deadline. I set a personal deadline though. I crochet one black one alternating with a colored one. This way the black is not hurting my eyes too much. I can't crochet a black one in the evening though. Only in sunlight.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Happy Anniversary, my love - We made the best decision today 7 years ago by saying - I - DO. Well that was ONE of the best decisions we've made - LOL We'll be going to IHOP tonight and order one "Kitchen sink" and an extra plate. Just like we used to do, except it won't be YOU, who is sitting across the table from me.

I started looking at rose bushes yesterday. I think, I might have to go to the nursery to get a salmon color one. I saw lots and lots of pink, red and yellow but no salmon. Then again, it is early yet.

I love you so very much and I miss you.

9 months

Yesterday it was 9 months that Gary has left to be with Jesus. We celebrated this one day early by going to the "Living Planet Aquarium" in Sandy with J-O-Y (Just Older Youth) our senior group from church. It was fun.

Yesterday I took a big bowl of Chicken Noodle Soup (homemade of course) to Bunny, because she isn't eating much. I was shocked when I saw her. She is as weak as a newborn kitten. Hopefully the soup will give her some appetite and she will eat again.

Yesterday was also the first 4th that I didn't fall apart at 10:30AM. I don't have to look at the watch - I know it is 10:30 (the time Gary was taken off oxygen 9 months ago) I had a conversation with God and asked him to please help me through the day. It IS getting easier - I am not missing Gary any less but I think, I am getting used to the fact that he is gone and in a much better place than we are. I miss you lots sweetheart.

Next Saturday the West Valley Symphony plays at Granger High. Gary and I used to go every chance we had. I will be there.

I think next month I will be able to fertilize the ground for the rosebush I will be planting in June - at least I can make a start. I will also check around the nurseries for rosebushes. It has to be a salmon color one.

8 months

Yesterday was the 8 month celebration of Gary's being pain free and leaving this earth to be with the Lord.

I went to JOY (Just Older Youth) in the morning and to Sizzler in the evening for dinner. Gary and I had several restaurants we loved to go to. The food was exceptional good and I told the manager so. Gary would have loved it. The steak was sooo tender. It was the best one yet.

As for my Etsy store - As of today I have 3 sales from my inventory and 2 custom orders with one custom order waiting in the wings. I am not sure, but I think, I need to get a business license. I will have to talk to my taxman about that. I have to remember to call him.

I am still talking to Gary every evening, telling him about my day. It sure helps me cope. I had his rings re-sized but I can't wear both wedding rings. They are either too wide or my finger is too short. So I am wearing his ring on my necklace together with my cross.

Etsy

Thank you all for your help and good wishes to get this thing off the ground. I had my first sale and I am working on 2 custom orders of circles and eyes.

I have decided to divide my time even between charity crafting and my Etsy store. Let's see how long this will work out. I am trying to post one new item every day or at least every other day. I can feel Gary's approval - but then again, he supported me in everything I did. He was a wonderful man. It is hard to grasp that he is gone over 7 months already.

I still miss you very much. I love you sweetheart.

I DID IT

Yes, I did it. I opened my Etsy Store. As of this minute I have only 1 item listed - but then again, I just started this afternoon. That will be my job - getting all my listing into the shop.

I can just see Gary sitting in heaven grinning - SHE FINALLY DID IT - YEAH !!!!! He always said I should sell my stuff. Thank you Sweetheart, I love you.

The name of my shop is: HilsGalsStitchins.etsy.com

Stop by and check it out. Please give me a chance to stock it first though. Opening Special is FREE SHIPPING within the USA.

2010?????

It really is 2010 - at least that's what the calendar says.

Yesterday was the 4th of January. To celebrate Gary's freedom we went to IHOP, our favorite breakfast place. I ordered, what we always did - Kitchen Sink and coffee. It is an omelet with everything but the kitchen sink in it - and it is good) We used to order it from the senior menu (smaller portions, smaller price) - but it is not on there anymore. So we just ordered it regular. I had a coupon 2 for 1 - We were even sitting in the same booth we were normally sitting. All of the sudden, the tears came. Without looking at the clock I knew that it was 10:30 - the time they disconnected the machines 7 months ago. I KNOW that eventual it will get better (at least I hope so) I can already go longer periods without crying, and then sometimes, I can't find an end. I miss Gary so very much. Talking to him every night helps.

I am getting ready to open my Etsy store. I've been crocheting up a storm so I can have some inventory. I still have not made friends with my sewing machine - that's still on the agenda. Soon.