I MADE IT

I survived Christmas, not without many tears mind you, but I did it. I have to admit that I lost it a few times though. Thursday's mail call was one of those times. I received a package from the funeral parlor - inside was a tree ornament with Gary's picture in. That did it. In my opinion, they went beyond the call of duty.

I didn't send out many Christmas Cards this year. I did it online and I included this poem:

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas Trees, around the world below

With tiny lights like heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away your tears,

For I am sharing Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs, that people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can’t compare, with the Christmas choir here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

it’s far beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me. I see the pain within your heart,

But I am not so far away. We really aren’t apart.

So be happy for me, loved ones. You know I hold you dear,

And be glad I’m spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.

I send you each a memory, of my undying love.

After all “love” is the gift, more precious than pure gold.

It was always most important, in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,

For I can’t count the blessings, or the love He has for you.

So, have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away those tears,

For I am sharing Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.

A good friend sent it one to me shortly after Gary's passing.

ONLY AND ALREADY

6 months today. Only and already. Time is still speeding and crawling. If someone would ask me, how I survived the last 6 months - I couldn't tell. I am on auto pilot. At times I am asking myself, what am I doing here? I want to be with Gary. It feels though like Gary tells me - not yet. You still have loads and loads to do, and he is right. If I look at my yarn and fabric, I will have to stick around until I am about 110+ years old. But I know he is with me in spirit. I will celebrate Gary's 6-month being pain free by going to the Liberty Quartet concert next Friday at the Nazarene Church. Gary loved the guys and their music. Southern gospel. Beautiful. And they are funny to boot.

I have almost completed my commitments to the Dream Center and to the Outreach Program. I will then take a break of about 2 weeks from charity crafting and make stuff for my Etsy store. I have a name already picked out and have 3 funky key-hole scarves ready. Not enough to open the store though. I am also "considering" renting a booth together with Nancy at the Octoberfest in Snowbird next August/September. We both are not sure though. The rent is $250 each and one has to sell a lot of things to make just the rent. Nancy has about 100 loomed hats ready. We will find out when the last possible day is to rent the booth and see how Nancy's health is doing. As I found out, a lot can change in a very short time.

Time is running and crawling

It is now 5 months since Gary left to be with Jesus. To answer my own question in my previous post - yes, it is getting easier - but only very slowly. Very slowly.

Yesterday we had J.O.Y. (Just Older Youth) I didn't want to go. I was writing an e-mail and at 1030 exactly something prompted me to stop. I started crying without being aware of the time. That was exactly the time when they turned of the oxygen 5 months ago. It is amazing. Every month on the 4th at 1030 AM I am re-living that moment. I was sitting by his bed, holding his hand crying and talking to him until after he was gone. It is still very much with me.

Around 1130AM I felt Gary telling me to get moving - JOY is starting and I am not dressed to go out. How can I resist the love of my life? I can't. So I went. It was good being with friends. It was out Thanksgiving celebration. When it came to say what we are thankful for - I couldn't speak. So I passed.

On a lighter note, I became a grandma last weekend. Jaymee was born at 1251 AM on November 01. Mother and daughter are doing fine. Father?? I am not so sure. When he called me, he was bouncing off the wall. Understandable, since it is his first.

Where has the time gone?

It's 4 months today. The weather is a mirror of my mood. It's rainy and stormy. I won't go to the International Peace Garden today. Maybe tomorrow. It's supposed to be sunny tomorrow.

I still miss him like crazy and to answer my own question from my previous entry - it hasn't been getting any easier. I am crying without much provocation. It doesn't take much to set me off.

I went to play Bunko with some friends from church yesterday. It was nice to get out. Janean talked me into going to the women's retreat next weekend. This will be my first time.

My youngest son Jason got married last weekend. I didn't go, since I don't have a passport. Well, he wasn't at my wedding either. In fact, he has never been to Utah to meet Gary. His loss. He missed out on meeting a wonderful man. They are expecting a baby due in November. I am working on knitting a blanket. It is almost ready. I will send it off next week. They don't know the gender of the baby, so I made the blanket in natural colors. To be on the safe side.

One of these days I will apply for my US Citizenship. This is where home is now. Gary and I talked about it, but then his health issues took priority. I can see him sitting in heaven - shouting - YEAH !!! I am keeping my Canadian Citizenship though if I can. If not - oh well.

I had the car in the BackStreet Shop on Friday. A headlight had to be replaced. It turned out to be more than that. Some of the wiring was corroded. I got talking to Greg (who has serviced our cars for ages) and he told me how Gary has influenced his life. HE QUIT SMOKING BECAUSE OF GARY - YEAH!!. Gary had told him for years that if he doesn't quit, he will end up on oxygen. In March when I was at the Oil Rig to have an oil change done, I told Greg that Gary was again in the hospital. I think that was the time when Greg decided - it's time to quit. One never knows, how one effects other people. Since I am talking to Gary every night before I turn out the light, I told him. I bet he is happy about it. Gary effected a lot of people (besides me of course) in a very good way. I love you sweetheart.

Another month

I survived another month without Gary.

Every 4th of the month I am doing something special, something we liked to do together. In August I went to Wendover and in September I went to the International Peace Garden for a picnic. We had planned at the beginning of the year to go to the International Peace Garden, but Gary never made it. October I will go there again, since it was too hot to walk around - will do that in October.

I still have his birthday next Wednesday to deal with. He would have been 72.

I am still talking to Gary every night, telling him about my day and what's going on and stuff. This helps me to cope.

Will it get any easier with time?

2 months

Time sure is flying. Tomorrow it will be 2 months that my love is gone to be with Jesus. At times I miss him so much that it hurts. I am alternating between laughing and crying. The smallest thing is setting me off.

I am keeping super busy to avoid dwelling on the fact that he is gone. It works during the day. Nights?? That is another story.

I joined Warming Families. They have issued a challenge to make between 15,000 - 25,000 hats. Hats all sizes are needed to be handed out to the homeless and needy. You can read all the official details on our WF Leaders page here: http://www.freewebs.com/warmingfamilies/areavolunteerinfo.htm

One Month

Yesterday was the one-month anniversary of Gary's death. It was also Independence Day. I chose to celebrate it as Gary's independence from pain, oxygen and all other ailments. I had friends over and had a BBQ.

Slowly I am getting things settled. I have been procrastinating. I just couldn't bring myself to get things done. It is all so final. I am crying a lot and also laughing a lot.

Crying when I stumble over things that we did together or he said. For example - I was eating a peace of Dove chocolate. They are individually wrapped and have sayings in them. The one I had said: A smile is worth more than a dozen roses. We had that one before. Gary had said at that time - I have to wait until Tony comes home so we can go and get you a dozen roses. To which I replied - I don't want roses, I just want you and your smile.

Last night at dinner we were remembering a lot of the funny things Gary had done and said. I am glad, that not many people were home to complain about us being so loud.

I will never forget you my love.

The Final Good Bye

Today was the memorial service for Gary. It was a sad, emotional and funny service. Sad because it kinda drove the point home, that Gary won't be coming back to me here on earth. Emotional because LOTS of people were saying the last good bye. Funny because some people shared some of the pranks Gary pulled during his time as well as some wonderful stories. I believe we had more than 50 people there.

Pastor Troy did a wonderful job. I would like to thank him for that as well as a thank you goes out to the ladies who served a lunch for family and close friends after.

The service brought me some kind of closure. Sweetheart, I miss you so very much. You KNEW that your days were numbered, that's why you had those talks with Tony. I am sure, I haven't heard about all of them, but it slipped that you asked Tony to look after me when you are gone. He is sticking to his word. Without Tony or Janean I wouldn't have been able to cope the way I did. Thank you both.

Goodbye My Love

I am stunned that the last entry is only 7 weeks old. A lot of things did happen in the meantime. On May 07 Gary went back into the hospital with excruciating back pain. He had several fractures in his back (Not a good thing) Because of the pain, he didn't breathe properly and ended up with yet another case of pneumonia. He was 3 weeks in ICU and I was told this time I might not get him home - WATCH ME !!!

They also said that the hospital stays will come in cycles and those cycles will get worse and closer together. The plan was to nurse him through this and then ask him how many cycles he will/can/is able to do. - I never got the chance. Gary passed away this morning at 10:45 - it was the hardest thing I had to do to take him off the machines. But I had to honor his wishes. He wouldn't want to live this way. He was existing, not living. We had spoken about this before. To hook him to the machines to get him better - YES. If that would be IT for the rest of his life - NO. It was very hard to do but thankfully, I was surrounded by friends to and the Lord to see me through it.

He is now home with the Lord and having a party and a big family re-union. That doesn't alter the fact that I will miss him terrible. I was granted only 6 wonderful years with him. They were the best years though. Honey, I love you so very much and I'll miss you.

HOME

Well, we survived the first 2 full days at home. I am learning to give Gary Insulin shots. Someone told me to practice on an orange. I don't love an Orange, but I DO love Gary. If me giving him the shot daily (it will be only for 3 weeks) means, that he will be better, I will do it. I don't have to like it to do it.

Otherwise it's slow going. I picked up the supplies at the VA yesterday. Health Nurse is coming in today again and the PT is starting with the workout on Tuesday. She was here yesterday for the evaluation. Things are taking shape. Gary is getting better with walking around the house (with a walker of course). BABY STEPS is still the motto. Rome was not build in one day.

This week, with all the running around (I am the driver for now) I am behind in my crafting. I will make it up when things are settling down.

FINALLY

It's been a long time since I posted. My only excuse I have is that I haven't been home for the last almost 2 months. On March 02 we brought Gary into Pioneer Valley ER with yet another case of Pneumonia. As he gets older, it takes longer and longer to get over it. He was one month in ICU and then another 3+ weeks in Promise ALTC (acute Long Term Care) It was touch and go for a long time. Gary had given up. He didn't want to live anymore. I think the Lord told him that his time here on earth isn't up yet - but all of a sudden it was like someone flicked the switch and he began to improve.

Today I FINALLY get to bring him home. That doesn't mean that he is all better. We will have Home Health Nurse, Home Health Aid and PT coming into the house. It's going to be busy. One thing is that he has to walk more. The plan is that we are mall-walkers by winter. I have to prove to Gary that he can do it. He is discouraged because of his back pain. But if it is a battle of the wills, I WILL WIN. I am even more stubborn than he is. I had several conversations with the Lord. I told him, that I am not done with Gary yet. AND Gary still has some work to do here on earth. We are taking one day at the time.

I am glad, that I have my crafting. That was the thing that kept me sane (what's that??) during the time when I was sitting with him.