One Month

Yesterday was the one-month anniversary of Gary's death. It was also Independence Day. I chose to celebrate it as Gary's independence from pain, oxygen and all other ailments. I had friends over and had a BBQ.

Slowly I am getting things settled. I have been procrastinating. I just couldn't bring myself to get things done. It is all so final. I am crying a lot and also laughing a lot.

Crying when I stumble over things that we did together or he said. For example - I was eating a peace of Dove chocolate. They are individually wrapped and have sayings in them. The one I had said: A smile is worth more than a dozen roses. We had that one before. Gary had said at that time - I have to wait until Tony comes home so we can go and get you a dozen roses. To which I replied - I don't want roses, I just want you and your smile.

Last night at dinner we were remembering a lot of the funny things Gary had done and said. I am glad, that not many people were home to complain about us being so loud.

I will never forget you my love.

The Final Good Bye

Today was the memorial service for Gary. It was a sad, emotional and funny service. Sad because it kinda drove the point home, that Gary won't be coming back to me here on earth. Emotional because LOTS of people were saying the last good bye. Funny because some people shared some of the pranks Gary pulled during his time as well as some wonderful stories. I believe we had more than 50 people there.

Pastor Troy did a wonderful job. I would like to thank him for that as well as a thank you goes out to the ladies who served a lunch for family and close friends after.

The service brought me some kind of closure. Sweetheart, I miss you so very much. You KNEW that your days were numbered, that's why you had those talks with Tony. I am sure, I haven't heard about all of them, but it slipped that you asked Tony to look after me when you are gone. He is sticking to his word. Without Tony or Janean I wouldn't have been able to cope the way I did. Thank you both.

Goodbye My Love

I am stunned that the last entry is only 7 weeks old. A lot of things did happen in the meantime. On May 07 Gary went back into the hospital with excruciating back pain. He had several fractures in his back (Not a good thing) Because of the pain, he didn't breathe properly and ended up with yet another case of pneumonia. He was 3 weeks in ICU and I was told this time I might not get him home - WATCH ME !!!

They also said that the hospital stays will come in cycles and those cycles will get worse and closer together. The plan was to nurse him through this and then ask him how many cycles he will/can/is able to do. - I never got the chance. Gary passed away this morning at 10:45 - it was the hardest thing I had to do to take him off the machines. But I had to honor his wishes. He wouldn't want to live this way. He was existing, not living. We had spoken about this before. To hook him to the machines to get him better - YES. If that would be IT for the rest of his life - NO. It was very hard to do but thankfully, I was surrounded by friends to and the Lord to see me through it.

He is now home with the Lord and having a party and a big family re-union. That doesn't alter the fact that I will miss him terrible. I was granted only 6 wonderful years with him. They were the best years though. Honey, I love you so very much and I'll miss you.

HOME

Well, we survived the first 2 full days at home. I am learning to give Gary Insulin shots. Someone told me to practice on an orange. I don't love an Orange, but I DO love Gary. If me giving him the shot daily (it will be only for 3 weeks) means, that he will be better, I will do it. I don't have to like it to do it.

Otherwise it's slow going. I picked up the supplies at the VA yesterday. Health Nurse is coming in today again and the PT is starting with the workout on Tuesday. She was here yesterday for the evaluation. Things are taking shape. Gary is getting better with walking around the house (with a walker of course). BABY STEPS is still the motto. Rome was not build in one day.

This week, with all the running around (I am the driver for now) I am behind in my crafting. I will make it up when things are settling down.

FINALLY

It's been a long time since I posted. My only excuse I have is that I haven't been home for the last almost 2 months. On March 02 we brought Gary into Pioneer Valley ER with yet another case of Pneumonia. As he gets older, it takes longer and longer to get over it. He was one month in ICU and then another 3+ weeks in Promise ALTC (acute Long Term Care) It was touch and go for a long time. Gary had given up. He didn't want to live anymore. I think the Lord told him that his time here on earth isn't up yet - but all of a sudden it was like someone flicked the switch and he began to improve.

Today I FINALLY get to bring him home. That doesn't mean that he is all better. We will have Home Health Nurse, Home Health Aid and PT coming into the house. It's going to be busy. One thing is that he has to walk more. The plan is that we are mall-walkers by winter. I have to prove to Gary that he can do it. He is discouraged because of his back pain. But if it is a battle of the wills, I WILL WIN. I am even more stubborn than he is. I had several conversations with the Lord. I told him, that I am not done with Gary yet. AND Gary still has some work to do here on earth. We are taking one day at the time.

I am glad, that I have my crafting. That was the thing that kept me sane (what's that??) during the time when I was sitting with him.

Pastor Alfred from the Dream Center was here this morning and picked up 500 hats. He was totally floored and would like to thank all of you from Bev's Charity Challenge who have helped. He will send some pictures, which I will post. His ministry is spreading almost all over Utah. I think, that was a hint that he would like to have hats again next year - I will start making them again in January. As well as hats and scarves for the homeless and all the other things.

Right now I need to concentrate to get some more hats and scarves done for next weeks final delivery for this year. Then on to Special Olympic Scarves - - better get busy

Merry CHRISTmas

Let Me be one of the first to wish You a very Merry Christmas and

May you enjoy the Blessings of the season.

KEEP CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS

PEACE BE WITH YOU As you well know, we are getting closer to my birthday. Every year there is A celebration in my honor and I think that this year the celebration will be Repeated. During this time there are many people shopping for gifts, there are many Radio announcements, TV commercials, and in every part of the world everyone Is talking that my birthday is getting closer and closer. It is really very nice to know, that at least once a year, some people think Of me. As you know, the celebration of my birthday began many years ago. At first people seemed to understand and be thankful of all that I did for Them, but in these times, no one seems to know the reason for the Celebration. Family and friends get together and have a lot of fun, but they don't know The meaning of the celebration. I remember that last Year there was a great feast in my honor. The dinner table was full of Delicious foods, pastries, fruits, assorted nuts and Chocolates. The decorations were exquisite and there were many, many Beautifully wrapped gifts. But, do you want to know something? I wasn't invited. I was the guest of honor and they didn't remember to send me an invitation. The party was for me, but when that great day came, I was left outside, they Closed the door in my face .. And I wanted to be With them and share their table. In truth, that didn't surprise me because in the last few years all close Their doors to me. Since I wasn't invited, I decided to Enter the party without making any noise. I went in and stood in a corner. They were all drinking; there were some who were drunk and telling jokes and Laughing at everything. They were having a grand time. To top it all, this big fat man all dressed in red wearing a long white Beard entered the room yelling Ho-Ho-Ho! He seemed drunk. He sat on the Sofa and all the children ran to him, saying: "Santa Claus, Santa Claus" as If the party were in his honor! At midnight all the people began to hug each other; I extended my arms Waiting for someone to hug me and do you know no-one hugged me. Suddenly they all began to share gifts. They opened them one by one with Great expectation. When all had been opened, I looked to see if, maybe, There was one for me. What would you feel if on your birthday everybody Shared gifts and you did not get one? I then understood that I was unwanted at that party and quietly left. Every year it gets worse. People only remember the gifts, the parties, to Eat and drink, and nobody remembers me. I would like this Christmas that you allow me to enter into your life. I would like that you recognize the fact that almost two thousand years ago I came to this world to give my life for you, on the Cross, to save you. Today, I only want that you believe this with all your heart. I want to share something with you. As many didn't invite me to their party, I will have my own celebration, a grandiose party That no one has ever imagined, a spectacular party. I'm still making the Final arrangements.. Today I am sending out many invitations and there is an invitation for you. I want to know if you wish to attend and I will make a reservation for you And write your name with golden letters in my great guest book. Only those on the guest list will be invited to the party. Those who don't answer the invite, will be left outside. Be prepared because When all is ready you will be part of my great Party. See you soon. I Love you! Jesus Share this message with your loved ones, before Christmas.